Jump Start My Heart

You know the feeling you get when you hear your favorite worship song? The one that moves you to tears or makes you feel so close to God that you could close your eyes and see him? That is one of the best feelings in the world.

Being brought up in a Christian home, I've always had a relationship with God. He's been my friend, my diary, my shoulder to cry on and all things in between. And even though I've considered myself a Christian my whole life, there was a time where I just couldn't find Him. I couldn't get that feeling. I felt totally disconnected and began to wonder if all of the mistakes I'd made in the past couple of years had pushed me to such a dark place that even God himself couldn't reach me. So I began to pray. I prayed that God would show me something. Anything. Something to make me feel close to Him again. Something that made me feel alive, because spiritually speaking, I was dead.

Ironically enough, it was death that God used to revive me. Glenn Taylor was diagnosed with cancer on May 10, 2013 and died exactly 2 weeks later on May 25 at 2:15am. There was a moment that morning, as we sat in my Grandaddy's living room with his body and the hospice nurse. My mom, my aunt and uncle, my Grandma and Tanner. I was sad, but for some reason I was extremely at peace with the situation. And that's when it happened. The feeling. God was there. He was so close I could feel Him in my heart. Once the funeral was over and all details taken care of, I felt this insane urge to do something. To get involved. To  make a difference. To live. I knew, then, that this was my answered prayer. I had to go back to church but this time I didn't want to just sit. I wanted to lead. I wanted to plan.

Death affects everyone in different ways and I still get upset when I think about my Grandaddy not attending my wedding, but maybe it was what I needed. Maybe an intense surge of emotion and tragedy was what I needed to jump start my heart's connection to God. I'm still not really sure what came over me, but I do know that God was with me through that time and He's still here. And as long as he continues to answer my prayers, whether it's how I think they should be answered or not, I'll continue to serve.