What's Happening to Me?

I've never really been the type of girl who dreams about their wedding from age 5. I've always said I didn't want kids and I've looked forward to having a career where I get to wear business suits, have an office, a real reason to carry a briefcase and an assistant to get me coffee even though I really don't like it. However, over the last 6 months I've felt this weird urge inside of me. It started out as a little pangs of longing usually brought on by a YouTube video of a cute baby or one of my friends pinning something extremely neat on their Pinterest wedding board. Now it has grown into this huge volcano of baking, seasonal decorating, overly-coordinated outfits and intense organizing (my office, supply closet, bedroom, vanity room, kitchen, bathroom, etc.) that is sure to erupt at any moment if something doesn't give.

I realize that this urge is probably just my maternal instincts coming forth and the need to nurture rearing it's ugly head, with perfect curls and precise makeup, smelling like Clinique Happy. I just can't help it. I want to be a wife. I want children. And worst of all.......I want to be a stay at home Mom. This is what really scares me. The fact that I actually want to trade in my business pantsuit for jeans and a burp cloth.

I don't want to be a stay-at-home mom because I think it will be easy. Anyone who can spend their day picking up toys, preparing meals, washing and folding clothes all while making sure their kids don't kill themselves deserves a medal of honor. I've just always heard that the perfect job is one you love doing, and one you don't look at as a job. To me, a stay at home mom would be just that. I could focus on the things I'd love most, my husband, my kids and I could do so much more at church! I could put all of my energy into those things, instead of sitting in an office making someone else's dreams come true.

 I mostly blame Tanner for this shift of outlook. On our second date I told him I didn't want to have children. His response? "Well we should probably just end this now because I have to have a little boy...". Right then, I knew. Maybe, deep down, I always did want all of these things, I just needed someone I could see it happening with to realize what I wanted. When I think about 10 years from now, I see a floor scattered with toys and dishes in the sink and I hear the laughter of kids who's parents love them so much. Some days will be full of silliness and I'll think I have the greatest kids in the world, other days will be full of messy hair, tears and I'll wonder if karma has come to repay me of all the bad things I did as a youth through my children. But no matter what, I promise to thank God for every minute of it.