I know that the term Christian gets tossed around pretty loosely these days. Just about anyone can claim to be a Christian, and there's really no secret password or question you can ask them to prove that they are. I know there are millions of different denominations and types and I know that religion in itself is pretty confusing, so I'm not even going to try to go into all that detail. What I want to do is just tell you what all that Jesus stuff means to me.
I am what you would call a Cradle Christian. I've attended church ever since I was born.
Since I can remember, Sundays have always been about church. Church at 10am, Lunch after, then church at night. And sometimes even church on Wednesday nights. Seems like quite a bit, right? I've done the church camp thing, I've done the youth group thing, I've done the baptism thing. Growing up I was basically a model Christian kid. But I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't actually know what being a Christian meant.
You see, obviously I knew the difference between good and bad. And I knew that God wanted me to be good so I could go to Heaven, and if I was bad I'd go to hell. Well, I pretty much had that down by high school (with a few minor slip-ups, of course). But here's where things get hairy: I quickly discovered that the world is not divided into good or bad. There's a lot of gray area in there. I also discovered that not everyone was raised in a church (gasp). Some people didn't even know the words to The Old Rugged Cross. So as I'm realizing this, I'm questioning the things I've always been told. And at the same time, I get my first boyfriend. Then, I slide that "True Love Waits" vowel to the back of my mind. I conveniently forget the sober pledge I took. I let all of my church knowledge fall to the wayside, and I focus on having fun. After all, high school is the best time of our lives right?
*sidenote: High school is not the best time of your life. Trust me, it gets way better if you have faith. Then, you kind of realize high school is stupid and you file that under "embarrassing things to not ever think about again".*
I focus on myself. And my boyfriend. And how to get alcohol even though I'm not 21. Throughout the next 4 years I am living it up. Parties, recklessness, lack of responsibilities; the whole shebang.
But one night, things go too far. And I make a mistake that costs me a friendship and almost relationship. And I'm really lonely. And I slowly realize that none of the stuff I'm doing is fulfilling. So I pray for the first time in years. I pray a lot. I beg God to show me that he's still there and that I'm not too messed up of a person for him to still love me. What I was realizing was that I had to go back. I had to go back to where I was safe and that was at home with my family and at church, with my church family. God finally did show me that he was there. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer and died 2 weeks later. God really went all out, didn't he? No, I'm not saying that God killed my granddad just to show me he had that much power. It was what happened the night he died. My granddad declined pretty rapidly and we knew the end was near. I'd finally fallen asleep when I got the call. He died at 3:15am that morning. I went to my grandmother's house, still in my pajamas, and sat with my family. And as I sat there, when I should have been crying and distraught because my loved one just died, I felt the strangest kind of peace. I sat on the couch and looked around at the rest of my beautiful family. I realized that God had been with me the whole time and that I was so loved. Then I felt the biggest sense of urgency I have ever felt. I had to do something. I had to go back to church but this time I couldn't just sit there hoping that Grandma made meatloaf for lunch. I had to get involved. I had to show people that sometimes things get messy and we make mistakes, but God is always there. I had to get this message out.
About this same time God was working on someone else. That relationship I almost ruined? It was mine. Tanner and I had been together for about a year, and I have to admit I didn't take things as seriously as I should have. But God knew what he was doing when he sent me the world's most patient man. Tanner didn't change me, he never asked me to be a different person or fight with me when I made wrong choices. Tanner was just good. He was just such a genuine, kind person that the more I was around him, the more I wanted to be like him. And he went to church with me. And he loved me unconditionally, almost as much as God did. He was the best example of love and he didn't even know it. God had given me everything I needed, I just had to hit rock bottom to realize that I needed it.
"God had given me everything I needed, I just had to hit rock bottom to realize that I needed it."
So, once I got involved in church I had a bit of a revelation. Being a Christian is not about good vs bad. Being a Christian is not about how many times you attend church. Being a Christian isn't even about how much money you donate to a church. Being a Christian is about failing and falling short, over and over again, but having the promise to always be forgiven, even when you don't deserve it because Jesus gave His life for you. Being a Christian is about having a church family and service. Being a Christian is devoting your life to serving Jesus, whether it's by helping someone less fortunate than you, volunteering at a church event, or just simply talking to Jesus about someone. You see, the world seems pretty messed up right about now and it's pretty hard to be positive with so much negativity, but I'm actually hopeful for the future, and it's because of
all that Jesus stuff.
